I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
