not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Randomize
