she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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