next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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