Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
