that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
