I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
