Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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