She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
