You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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