dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Randomize
