he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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