I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
