New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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