Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
