Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I checked into jail on foursquare
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
i think my cat just said my name.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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