I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I am naked and annoyed.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
