I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
