my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
