A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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