i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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