Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
