Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
