Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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