I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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