she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
