WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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