just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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