The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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