If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
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