Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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