when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
