Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize