theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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