I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
