At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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