Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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