i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
