Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
