After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
