my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
