At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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