You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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