I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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