I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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