my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
