they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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