just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
