I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
