Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Is Oprah even human
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
