I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
