Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
so let's talk penis.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Randomize
