I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize