how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize