I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
