Please, let me fuck your mom
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
