I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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