I'm going to jail i love you
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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