so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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