I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
