I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
