he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize