I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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